There is this friend of mine, a very evil wag named Vitone,
who keeps stressing that journalists must be made to wear uniforms like
policemen. My friend argues that the role of journalists as societal watchdogs
places them on the same pedestal as the police. He then goes ahead to drop the
bombshell that journalists actually collect more bribe than policemen; whence
the need for journalists to have the same make of uniform as their colleagues
in bribe-taking, that is, the police!
Given that
I am the poet just moonlighting as journalist, let me play the devil’s advocate
by playing up the “satanic verses” of this my “uniform-for-journalists” friend.
Journalism happens to be an all-comers profession in which the existence of a
common uniform for all can lend a measure of regulation to the trade and its
ill-assorted practitioners. The absence of a uniform actually makes all kinds
of quacks and fakes to pose as journalists. Any person wearing a journalist’s
uniform as it were would thus be properly identified instead of hiding behind
different coats and dresses to commit mayhem in the name of the profession.
If
journalists are made to wear uniform like policemen they would not see any
further need to be asking for “brown envelopes”; they would be taking the money
straight thereby saving the country the cost of the envelope! The lowly-ranked
journalists would not pose to collect big money as though they were editors!
These journalists of lower ranks would end up collecting N20 or N50 notes like
their police mates!
The fear
though is that many fellows may end up faking the uniforms, and giving
themselves all kinds of ranks. After all one living journalist who was so fond
of big titles actually arrogated to himself the title of RIP (Rest in Peace)
without knowing what it stood for! It may turn scandalous when journalists
start addressing themselves as Supol! Mopol! DPO! IG of Journalism! Etc.
The uniform
matter will necessitate the setting up of a special body to monitor the wearing
of the uniform by journalists. The catch though is that members of the body
charged with monitoring the uniform of journalists may end up posing as
journalists themselves! After all such a thing happened in the award of the
Nigeria Prize for Literature one unfortunate year where the judges who were
members of the Academy of Letters ended up awarding the $50,000 prize money to
themselves in a classic case of 419! If it can happen among the old eggheads of
Nigerian academia, then the case amongst journalists and their minders is
better left to the imagination…
With
well-starched uniforms journalists can then stand solid guard as paparazzi at
checkpoints in the many high class hotels of Nigeria! The nuisance of seeing
scruffily dressed fellows harassing guests in the name of journalists as had
always been the case would stop for good.
There is
the problem though that once armed with uniform the journalists may start
fighting for the right to be armed with guns like policemen! Now we shall start
having “Kill and Go” journalists! The journalists can then actually “point and
kill” as had been the special privilege of the police. When armed journalists
confront armed policemen it will then be the forte of armed robbers to save the
land! This is a very serious matter that can kill all the laughter remaining in
Nigeria. This way, we may stand to lose our world title as the happiest people
on God’s earth.
Just as the
police have the Criminal Investigation Department (CID) journalists who would
not want to appear in uniform can join the CID section of journalism as
daredevil investigative journalists. In short, it would be a win-win story for
the pen-pushers of Nigeria. Some can hide their uniforms and claim to be CID
journalists when the occasion demands.
Finally,
instead of fighting for the full implementation of the Freedom of Information
(FOI) Act, Nigerian journalists should take full charge of championing a new
cause: Uniform for all Nigerian Journalists! What makes the police superior to
journalists such that they are always clad in their uniform while the
journalists can boast of none? The only thing better than press freedom, I
daresay, is the compulsory matter of sewing the uniform for all journalists. As
the legislators would say, this is a matter of urgent national importance!
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